What is Self Regulation? And How to Help Develop it in Your Kids
Let’s get one thing cleared up before we discuss self-regulation:
YES, every time I think/read/say the term, in my head I sing “Regulators- MOUNT UP!” Thank you, Warren G and Nate Dogg. This is likely not the last of my 90s rap & hip-hop references in this blog - you’ve been warned.
Okay, back to what you came here for: this term that parents, teachers, doctors, and therapy providers are using when discussing child development: Self-Regulation. I like the definition posed by the Duke Center for Child and Family Policy, which states that “Self-regulation can be defined as the act of managing thoughts and feelings to enable goal-directed actions.” (OPRE Brief: 2017-79).
Basically, self-regulation is the awareness and subsequent control of our thoughts, feelings, and actions in order to produce an outcome we want. Even for adults, the process of self-regulating can be a challenge; because we have so many mental “to-do” lists and responsibilities (also know as “high mental load”), we might not be aware of our changing emotions, thought patterns, or behavioral habits from moment to moment- or how those are impacting our overall mood and functioning. For (a very simplified) example: I’m tired and need a good night’s sleep. I know that blue light/screen time can be disruptive to sleep patterns, yet I continue to watch tv/scroll social media/reply to work emails, because these activities feel good (because they distract me from underlying stress/worry). A person with good self-regulation skills would notice the anxious feelings and their impact on current behavior, and then react accordingly by turning off screens in order to promote healthy sleep.
I think of self-regulation on a sliding scale: we move up and down the scales of energy, output and mood throughout the day, and self-regulation is the process of noticing and reacting to those changes according to our environment, current needs, and goals. Have you ever noticed yourself getting sluggish, bored, or sleepy during work, and decided to take a walk down the hall, or grab a drink of water/coffee to feel refreshed and increase your focus? That was self-regulation - specifically, you “up-regulated” by doing something to boost energy/mood/output. On the other hand, down-regulating, as you’ve probably guessed, is noticing when we feel overly excited, frustrated, angry, or anxious, and we take steps to calm the nervous system accordingly. Self-regulation is a complex process that requires a variety of subskills: self-awareness, knowledge of social cues and norms, critical thinking, and executive functions (such as planning and impulse control).
Now let’s think about self-regulation in kids: their brains are still developing, and that means their capacity for each of those subskills, as well as overall self-regulation, is likely immature. Add in neuropsychological differences, such as sensory processing issues, autism spectrum disorders, or ADHD/ADD, and self-regulation becomes a very tall order for our little people.
So, what do you do?
You bolster your own self-regulation: adults need to self-regulate before you can co-regulate with the kids in your life (the next step).
Notice your thoughts/feelings/actions throughout the day, and your behavioral responses to them. Basically, being mindful - which sounds easy, but in actuality mindfulness requires practice and repetition in order to become an internalized routine. Try taking 1 minute at the top of every hour to take long, slow breaths through the nose, and notice how you feel physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Think about your goals: what you want to accomplish in the time frame you have, what outcomes you are expecting, or what you need in order to feel effective in your current environment.
Identify what behaviors are required in order to meet your goals and employ strategies to up- or down- regulate in order to promote those behaviors. Up-regulating strategies might be listening to a favorite song, getting a drink, taking a walk or even doing some jumping jacks - whatever boosts your mood, confidence, or energy. Down-regulating strategies could be taking long, slow, deep breaths (which calms the nervous system), progressive muscle relaxation, or even a meditation session (even just a moment or two).
You co-regulate: Co-regulating is when we help a child through the steps above. Parents, teachers, therapists, coaches, etc - you provide responsive and supportive relationships, you model self-regulation, and you create spaces that are safe, consistent, and predictable. With children, we also need to explicitly teach and practice the subskills that are required for self-regulation.
Teach and practice mindfulness. Research shows that yoga and mindfulness practices are positively correlated with improved self-regulation skills in children; Mindful Moving Kids classes actively teach children how to be mindful and pay attention to their thoughts, feelings, and physical body. This includes discussion of a full range of emotions, and validation of them, so that kids feel capable and safe in expressing what they are feeling.
Discuss and help identify the child’s goals or the situational requirements, and what specific behaviors are needed to achieve the goals/requirements. Then coach them through identifying whether they need to up- or down- regulate.
Try out different strategies for regulating, and let your child pick out a few of their favorites that they will rely on when needed. In MMK, we practice strategies that rely on the brain-body connection to up- and down-regulate. These tend to be concrete and fun, which increases engagement and ultimately makes kids more likely to use them later on.
You reflect, celebrate your kids for trying strategies, and discuss any challenges and resources for the next time they’re in that situation. Every experience won’t be a total win: it’s a great time to empathize with your child and share a time when you had trouble regulating, too. The key is to leave on a positive note with a concrete idea of what they can try next time.
Looking for more resources to help your child with self-regulation? Register them to participate in the live & interactive MMK virtual classes at https://mindfulmovingkids.com/classes.
Every class is small group, adapted to the needs of each person in the group, and led by Beth Hardy- a school psychologist and certified yoga instructor.